United Parcel Sucks

I used to have an overnight/second-day air account with UPS. I was always running right up to the due date on manuscripts and stuff and constantly having to overnight it to get it to New York on time, so an account made it a bit easier.

Anyway, last year we got into a bit of a disagreement over their billing practices: they don't give you a due date. The statement says payment is due seven days after receipt of the bill, but since they don't have a freakin' clue on what date you receive the bill, what they really mean is "you have a due date and we're not telling you what it is, but we're slapping you with late charges if your payment's not here by then."

So last fall I get a bill; I pay it. Then I get a statement charging me a late fee on that bill because I missed the mysterious due date. I pay it. Then I get another statement charging me a late fee on the late fee because -- you got it -- I missed the mysterious due date again.

Robert says uh-uh, we ain't paying it.

UPS says pay it or we'll close your account.

Robert says close the account; we're done with you.

Yeah, we're talking, like, forty cents. But there were other issues, too, like those fuel surcharges that came when gas prices went up and stayed when prices went back down.

And there was the time I sent a next-day package to my agent on Thursday and they delivered it on Saturday and hit me with a $12 or $14 "Saturday delivery" fee.

But it was supposed to be delivered on Friday, Robert pointed out to them.

Yes, but we delivered it on Saturday so you owe us our money, UPS said.

But we PAID you to deliver it on Friday, he pointed out again.

But we didn't. We delivered it on Saturday, so you owe the Saturday delivery fee.

When he then pointed out that under the terms of their own agreement, if a next-day package isn't delivered (in that case, anyway) by 10:30 a.m. THE NEXT DAY, we get our money back, the UPS rep backed off real quick.

But it WAS delivered, the rep said, and out of the kindness of our hearts, we'll waive the Saturday delivery fee.

But it wasn't delivered the next day; we want our $50 back.

We did get a $50 credit -- and a waiver of the Saturday delivery fee.

Anyway, we refused to pay the late fee, and by mutual agreement, our account was closed.

Until the other day, when I got a statement from them in the mail. A bill. For $11.50. The sender, according to the statement, was me. The sender's address consisted of three numbers for the street address, my hometown, my state, and a zip code for Clovis, New Mexico. The phone number was blank.

The recipient, according to the statement, was "Garcia." No first name. The address was in Albuquerque, New Mexico. The phone number was blank.

The account number, however, was mine. The one that had been closed out last year.

And it was sent UPS Ground.

Now, UPS is picky about the delivery form. You get an address wrong, leave a box empty, transpose digits in the phone number -- just about any little mistake is cause to absolve them of any responsibility to deliver the package in a timely fashion.

I counted five mistakes in the information, to say nothing of the fact that it was sent Ground. My account was never set up to allow Ground delivery. I know, because I tried to send a package that way one time, and the clerk said no way, no how; I was good for next-day and second-day air only.

So Robert calls them, and the customer service rep is not in a mood to listen. He acknowledges that the account is closed, but since I used it anyway, I owe $11.50. Period.

She didn't send the package and we're not paying a penny, Robert says.

It's her account, the rep replies.

But it's closed, and she didn't send the package.

But it's her account. And the package has her name on it as sender.

But it doesn't have her address. Do you think she doesn't know her own address and zip code?

We-elll . . .

{Grrrrr.}

Zero out the account, Robert says.

But your wife owes $11.50.

By then, steam was starting to come from his ears. He has no patience for incompetence or stupidity. He did eventually get the balance removed from my closed-for-six-or-eight-months account, though I'm not sure if that happened before he talked to their legal office or after.

It was MY freakin' account, and I had to cross all my t's and dot all my i's and recite the Pledge of Allegiance backwards while standing on my head before they would take a package from me. (Okay, yeah, I'm exaggerating a bit. I can't stand on my head.) And this goober in Clovis, New Mexico, just tosses a half-assed form at them and they TAKE it? And bill ME??

Sheesh.

On a lighter note, I got an email from fedex.com last week, telling me that they had a package to deliver to me. "Security scans" had shown that it contained a check for some outrageous amount, and that AIG (isn't that an insurance company?) had given them the go-ahead to deliver it to me once I'd provided them with my pertinent information -- full name, Social Security number, birthdate and phone number. The information has to go to someone in London. (Uh, isn't FedEx still an American company???)

Oh, yeah, and they need a check for $300.

And to top it all off, it was written in really bad English.

Do I have "stupid" tattooed on my forehead??? Rachel10:17 AM